suffering | Bill's Views on Most Everything

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Greed

Posted on October 12, 2018 by Bill Leave a comment

Gollum

Greed is the prime mover for most of the bad things happening on our world. The bulk of criminal activity is motivated by greed-people taking what is not rightly theirs. Wars are motivated by a quest for power. Performers want recognition and fame. Addictions arise from attempts to mask pain or discomfort. They are a means to feel better, if only briefly. The root cause of greed is an attempt to satisfy something missing in a person’s life. Their belief is acquiring something: wealth, adulation, power, health, or sexual gratification will fulfill their need.

The needs are based on believing acquisitions will lead to happiness and contentment. This can be temporarily true, but discontent always lurks in the wings. Our consumer culture is based on greed. Buy the right car, drink the right beer, take the right medication and all will be well. Not so, folks.

From birth, people strive to meet their basic needs. Babies cry when they are hungry, cold, wet, Ill, or alone. When they cry, needs are met. When they smile and laugh, needs are met. They learn strategies to meet their needs. If discontent arises for some reason, they apply the strategies to assuage the discontent.

Problem is, fulfilling survival and acquisition needs does not satisfy all we humans need for a fulfilled life. Love, friendship, helping others, creating, and learning are also needs all people share. The difference is they are truly fulfilling because they are meaningful accomplishments, not mere acquisition.

We are animals with animal needs. Twisting animal needs into greed is ultimately a dead end because the animal will inevitably die and all that stuff is meaningless. As Americans, we are somewhat challenged. Most have the basic needs met, but we are inundated with messages telling us how important it is to acquire to be happy. Barring living in a cave or on the street, it is almost impossible to avoid the selling.

I am sitting here in the coffee shop with my high priced coffee and a pastry. Coffee at home and my granola-muesli mix would be healthier and a lot less expensive. I had a birthday yesterday and now I am wearing a cool wool vest I have desired for several years. I think about cars, tools, fancy food, and gear. Gear I will never use. I buy books and keep them, some unread, when the library is just down the street. I am always looking for the right hat to put on my bald head.

I drive to my spiritual group meetings. I go on somewhat costly retreats when I can read and meditate at home. My teacher says retreats are “upper middle” activities, but the messages imply they are important for reaching a spiritual goal. What happened to meditating in a cave. Well, drive to the cave and use a Jetboil stove from REI to cook rice and ramen. Use a solar panel to recharge the smartphone.

Another word for greed is desire. The fancy bicycle I don’t ride has a sticker saying “Trapped On the Wheel of Desire”. Ice cream, chocolate, cheesecake, boots, the right blue jeans, wool socks, merino t-shirts, coffee, good movies, the right tires, Geology books, Dharma books, Harry Potter books and movies, my leather chair. It seems I have a lot to let go of.

For me, an outgrowth of desire is obsession. I don’t just want stuff, I obsess about it. A large portion of my day goes to obsessing. I guess I obsess to avoid feeling bad. I don’t need to let go of obsessing, it’s feeling bad. After all all the stuff I feel bad about is gone. The only place it exists is in my mind. I need a brain vacuum.

Greed and desire is not all of me. I enjoy nature, I rejoice when the sun comes out after rainy days. I love my life. I have good friends and relatives, I like to learn, I like to write. In fact, after 76 years, I think I am on the way. It’s just a matter of more letting go. Breath in, breathe out.

Posted in Addiction, Craving, Depression, Greed, My Story, Obsession, Stories, Suffering

Stuck

Posted on October 1, 2018 by Bill Leave a comment

Stuck

Stuck is my current problem. I have not been able to write a word for a couple of weeks. That problem seems to be receding. Writer’s block and my general lethargy stems from a deeper problem.

First, some of what I know of the Buddha’s thinking. One of his core concepts is about what today we call the ego. In our regular thinking we treat our egos as permanent things stemming from what we are as beings. Not so, folks. We have made it all up. We draw from our genetic makeup and our interpretation of our experiences in living to form a sense of self. This is necessary for our survival, both as individuals and a species.

In the tribe, boys learned how to hunt from the tribal hunters. Girls learned how to have and raise children from other mothers. Everyone’s experiences are somewhat unique, but have a lot of commonality with others around us. If things go well, children grow up to be healthy, capable members of their group.

Often, however, things go wrong. Trauma, disfigurement, disease, and deprivation can lead a person to develop a wounded ego. This is true of all of us to some degree. The wounded ego suffers. Suffering prevents us from reaching our deepest innermost being, the condition often called emptiness. It is pure being, free of suffering stemming from the decisions we have made about ourselves. It is often called enlightenment. A better word is peace.

Insight Meditation can lead to the state where we have let go of all the encumbrances of ego. It doesn’t mean ceasing to act much like the suffering person we were once were. It doesn’t eliminate the need to cope with the tasks of living in the world, (especially a world containing Republicans.) it’s clarity, freedom free of suffering but not of pain, grief, infirmity, and death.

I have tried to reach this goal for a large part of my life. I tried many paths, Christianity, Buddhism, raging atheism, and trying to ignore the whole mess. An amalgam of the teachings and lives of Jesus and the Buddha is what I have settled on. It works for me, and much of my suffering is gone, let go.

But not all. As a young child I experienced some abuse that seems to have gone to the very core of my being. I have had profound, life changing spiritual experiences. I have had over thirty years of therapy, I take medication for depression and ADD/HD. (not to mention prostate medication). My spiritual work has done the most good, but the other stuff is important. I couldn’t meditate or write before I got effective ADD treatment at age 59.

Still, the deep reservoir of unease and discomfort remains. Now, I am not the greatest practitioner of Insight Meditation or prayer, although I practice them every day, sometimes for much of the day. I still go to therapy, go to meetings a couple of days every week, see my shrink, actively meditate and study the dharma. They help tremendously. Drugs, alcohol, and the motorcycle did not work.

That pool of existential isolation remains. My teachers tell me to continue the process and I will, but I have times when I despair. Is it karma, I am destined to suffer throughout this lifetime? Or as my teachers say, I just need to persevere. Well, I will persevere, continue the struggle.

I usually can chug along just fine, but a few weeks ago, one of my teachers said the continued practice of letting go will do it. It hasn’t, not that deep pool of anguish. His saying that just triggered more agony. This stuff sure is taking a long time, and I am not sure it will ever work. Do you have any ideas? Maybe I need to go to the mountains.

Posted in ADD/ADHD, Buddhism, Insight Meditation, Jesus, Meditation, Stories, Stuck, Suffering, Writing

Lovingkindness

Posted on June 24, 2018 by Bill Leave a comment

We seem to be living in a world seething with hate. It is always there, but currently it is more visible. Our president wants adulation and to punish those who oppose him. Everyone has a part of themselves who wants to do harm, usually because harm was done to them. There is another way.

We are born with a need to be loved, to be fed, cuddled, protected, and allowed to grow. A baby receiving those things responds with smiles, giggles, and joy. The caregiver experiences joy as well. The response to abuse is to withdraw and develop defenses for survival. The capacity for love and joy can be lost. We are all wounded to some degree and the result is conflict.

The response to love and nurturing is a desire to love and nurture in response. We are born that way. The word for it is lovingkindness. All the anger and resentment is learned, a response to abuse.

My task is to increase lovingkindness and equanimity and allow the negativity to wither. My techniques are Insight Meditation and Metta. Metta is the practice of holding all living beings in prayer or lovingkindness. “May all sentient beings be happy, may they be safe, may they be free.” “May Mr. Trump be safe, may he be happy, may he be free and practice lovingkindness in his life.” “May the driver who just gave me the finger be happy, safe, and free.” I actually do this. Not always, I still harbor old wounds, but my Metta practice is growing.

I feel better, am less angry, and don’t honk or give the other driver the finger nearly as much. Buddha came up with this 2500 years ago, even though he didn’t drive, and those who practice lovingkindness are a powerful force for good which often goes unrecognized. All the faith traditions encourage this in some way. Yes, there are happy and loving people out there.

So, what about all those with anger and hate? It’s our task to show them lovingkindness, as simple as smiling and allowing them to make that left turn. We also deal directly with the negativity by listening and showing respect, gently offering a more caring viewpoint. We help those in need, always with dignity and respect. When angry, we breathe in, breathe out, pause, rinse and repeat.

I guess I am something of a Buddhist, but Jesus is still in my life, and always will. A bit about Buddhism. It has all the trappings of an Eastern faith tradition. Saffron robes, chants, meditation, stupas and gilded Buddhas, with one big difference. Buddhism is nontheistic. No worshipping some Big Guy. The sole purpose is to end suffering. Most often greed, or desire, is the root of suffering. We can be in terrible pain but suffering is optional.

We decide we need something. We make that up. All we need is food, clothing, and shelter. All the rest comes from craving, wanting to fill a hole that can’t be filled that way. We might feel a bit better, but the desire always returned. What to do? Let go. Meditate. Practice lovingkindness. Do lots of Metta. Maybe I will get better at all that.

Posted in Buddha, Buddhism, Dharma, Lovingkindness, Meditation, Memoirs, Prayer, Stories, Suffering

Unexpected Happiness

Posted on June 7, 2018 by Bill Leave a comment

Most people assume happiness comes from material things, especially in our consumer culture. Not so, folks. Happiness comes not from craving but from compassion and loving kindness. I am an expert on craving. Currently, my main craving is for ice cream. I think about ice cream, I long for it. I score! I eat ice cream and have a fleeting feel good. Then it starts all over. I am suffering desiring the temporary fix that creamy, sweet, fatty stuff provides.

There are two main results. I feel that discontent of no ice cream, eat ice cream, feel contented for an hour or so, than resume craving. I am also getting fat.

There is another way. Do good and feel good. The good feeling doesn’t go away. We are wired to help one another. It comes from feeling compassion for someone who is suffering. We then act out of loving kindness. The person suffering feels better and so do we. They are feelings that don’t go away.

Many philosophers and economists say we operate on the pleasure principle. Most of them assume pleasure results from satisfying craving. The marketers exploit the craving and tell us happiness comes from the right beer, or car, or toothpaste. In fact, they are exploiting suffering.

For the first part of my life I operated on that false pleasure principle. I wanted stuff, temporary sensual gratification, alcohol, and ice cream. I was something of a melancholy, trying to fill a void in my soul. I then met the love of my life. I was happy with her and looked forward to sharing satisfying cravings with her. Food, stuff (lots of stuff), the mountains, the desert, canoeing, road trips, all those fleeting pleasures.

It turned out the love of my life is sick. She has lupus, and can’t do many of the things I thought were the main goals of my life. We can’t do road trips, she can’t be in the sun very long, she doesn’t have much energy, and she hurts. All those fantasies exploded.

One of the benefits for me in meeting the love of my life is my commitment to her. For better or for worse. I cook. I clean. I do the heavy work of gardening, including maintaining that blasted sprinkling system. I do Jin Shin Jyutsu(Japanese acupressure) three times a week I do shopping. I lift, carry, move, assemble, and help in any way I can. I scratch her back, we snuggle, we talk, laugh, and get cranky with one another.

Her family members have more trouble than they deserve. I drove to Minneapolis to help her brother when his leg was broken by an errant automobile. He has no support system there, so I went and helped out. Her parents got old and infirm. We visited Florida and North Carolina to help out. We had lots of trips to Florida. Her dad moved here when he could no longer handle the tasks of daily living. Her mother moved to Boise to be with Carol’s sister and we visited there. I also act as support for Carol’s two children, especially her son.

Blue Earth

All that seems like drudgery, inconvenience, and suffering. Not so. It is fulfilling. I like to help, even if it means hundreds of miles of corn and soybeans on the way to Minneapolis. Have you ever seen the blue earth clay west of Mankato (means blue earth) or the Nebraska sand hills? Have you gotten lost on foot in downtown Minneapolis? If not, you have really missed out. The whole thing feels good. Well, there is some inconvenience as well, but it is mostly happiness. May you find happiness in helping others.

Posted in Addiction, Caregiving, Craving, Happiness, Lovingkindness, Stories, Suffering

Insight Meditation

Posted on May 21, 2016 by Bill Leave a comment

Meditation

I recently wrote about my struggle with addictions. Yes, multiple addictions. It is just now coming out that the root cause of addiction is abuse at some time in the addict’s life. It is true for me. I turned to addictive behavior to get a feel good in a life that incorporated pain or suffering stemming from the abuse.

The mental pain or suffering arises, and I seek to eliminate or blunt the pain with the feel good. It can be alcohol, food, exercise, sex, tobacco, work, drugs, shopping, gambling, music, or other obsessive behaviors. I tried most of them, and they worked-briefly. The pain returns. Another round starts, but it takes a bit more to drive the pain away as the guilt and shame grow. The wheel turns.

The result? I have had a lifetime of suffering with futile attempts to escape. The addictions have not been all-consuming. I have a good marriage, a comfortable retirement, many interests to keep me occupied and engaged, and a family I am close with. I have had years of therapy that helped in some areas, but the addictions remained. The addictions have consumed a tremendous amount of time and energy. All this stems from events in my childhood continuing to haunt me.

Well, that was then, and it is now. So, why addictive behavior when the abuse happened so long ago? We store the feelings from abuse in our minds. Those feelings and sensations stay with us and arise later as suffering. They exist as neural connections in our brains. Those connections and stored memories and feelings are not permanent or hard wired. The brain is plastic and those old demons can be dealt with, the connections altered or eliminated.

There are a number of techniques, including 12 step programs, cognitive therapy, psychoanalysis, immersion in a religious organization, and other therapies. Some work, some don’t or are just mental band-aids.

Recent neuroscience research indicates that insight meditation is an effective means of altering or eliminating those old neural pathways. In many cases, ten or fifteen minutes per day seem to be effective. In deeply entrenched addictions, fifteen minutes is not enough. I try to do a forty minute meditation along with the morning fifteen minute session every day. I also attend two formal insight meditation meetings per week.

Insight meditation is fairly simple. Find a comfortable position where you are not likely to fall asleep. Observe your breath. It may be your nostrils or your abdomen or chest rising and falling. Just focus on the breath. Thoughts will arise. Just note and name them. Hungry, hungry. You will find the thought changes or fades, leaving you a moment without thoughts arising. When they do, note them name them, and observe them changing.

You will find yourself drifting away, planning, worrying, most anything. When you notice this, gently return to the breath. I find it useful to say a short prayer several times until I am able to return to the breath. At times, it seems like all I am doing is praying, with no stillness. Other times I can return to the breath right away.

The process is frustrating at first, because it seems like there is almost no time just watching the breath. No big. Deal, just keep it up. You will find those thoughts arising with less frequency and intensity. You are reprogramming your brain.

Insight meditation is used in schools, some workplaces, in prisons, and in psychotherapy. It sometime seems it is the next big thing. Well, no. It is a Buddhist practice in use for twenty five hundred years. It is not really a religious practice. It is a practice used to get rid of all the mental clutter so one can lead a life free of the suffering all that clutter causes.

Next time I will illustrate the process with my own experience. Stay tuned.

Posted in Alcohol, Buddhism, Insight Meditation, Jesus Prayer, Meditation, Mental Health, My Story, Pain, Stories

Changes

Posted on August 4, 2015 by Bill Leave a comment

I am a slow learner, especially when I don’t want to learn what the universe is trying to get across. For some time now, the message is to slow down and act my age. I don’t want to! I want to be younger, stronger, not forgetful, with no signs of aging (well, I’m resigned to being bald).

Well guess what, I’m old, slow, weak, with a bit of a balance problem. In the last couple months I have fallen twice, fell off the ladder, and fell down the last step and broke two ribs. As I mentioned, I’m a slow learner. It’s shocking, I know, but I am going on seventy three years old. After the first two falls I saw my doctor. She gave me a prescription for physical therapy to help my balance. I didn’t go. I then fell off the ladder and down the stairs. Did you know that broken ribs hurt a lot?

After the ribs broke I went into a blue funk. At that point I had no choice. I hurt and couldn’t do anything but read. I can barely stand to watch TV. Then, horror, my iPad died. No Facebook, no words with friends, no left-wing politics, and no Donald Trump news.

Apple Rules! The Apple Store is in Cherry Creek Mall. The Apple Store is full of people, the rest of the mall is virtually empty except for the mall walkers. After the standard long wait I made it to the Genius Bar. The sheer arrogance of that company! The guy was nice and gave the standard digital solution. Reload the operating system, wiping all my data. Oops, that didn’t work, hardware problem. I walk out of the store with a new iPad.

Most everything transferred over. But. I can’t get to one of my email accounts, Yahoo is unresponsive, I am starting over with Words With Friends, and two days are gone. Computers teach us how to deal with frustration. To a point. I didn’t use the iPad as a Frisbee. The upside? Apple is a bit richer and the process took me off my aging crisis.

The odd thing about aging is that I still feel like me. The same me. Not a old me, just me. But, the body doesn’t feel the same. Even the mind has changed. I forget stuff. I have never been a good rememberer, but I’m worse now. The me I used to be never fell down the stairs. I fell , but not too often, just more than you do. Now I fall a lot more than you.

I know how to fall. Tuck and roll, keep the head up, pick a good spot to land if you can. The skills have served me well. Only two bad ones, one on the motorcycle that finished off my bad knee, and this stair and rib thing. Well, except for the fall that ended up taking my right little finger. For some reason, the universe has chosen falling to convince me that I am no longer the guy I used to be.

A Facebook Friend asked me if there was more damage than the broken ribs. My response: Yes. I am forced to accept that I am changed. Older. Slower. Weaker. Unbalanced (Wait, that’s always been true.), just not as physically competent as I used to be. A lot of bad stuff is going on. I am not even going to go into the health issues.

I’ve had good changes in recent years. I got my ADD diagnosed and got the medication and cognitive therapy that has changed my life. Just the diagnosis was a big deal. I am no longer a guy with a fatal flaw. I am a guy with ADD. It’s a brain disorder, not just that I am a fuckup.

The biggest change is that with the ADD treatment I now have the focus to write. Other than falling in love and marrying Carol, that is the most profound change in my life. I have two callings, writing and teaching. ADD kept me from both pursuits. Now, however I can write. I may be an old guy, but after all these years I have enough focus to write. After the rib thing I couldn’t write for a while-pain, both physical and mental.

Both kinds of pain are better now. I guess my old guy crisis is not as bad as I thought. The Buddhists say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional, a choice. For a couple of weeks I suffered. Now my ribs just hurt, but they are feeling better every day. It is mostly over. I guess it is time to get on with life.

Posted in Aging, Balance Problems, Falls, Health Issues, Memoirs, My Story, Stories