Tag Archives: Cold

Winter Blues

 

Winter Blues

Winter Blues

Here it is January.  It was cloudy and snowy for days.  The sun is shining today,  but bleakly.  Christmas and the rest of the holidays are over.  They served as a temporary lift from the dark, depressing days of winter that every year remind us of the inevitable destiny we all share.

But, no, it isn’t all bad, just mostly.  I don’t know why, but my regular seasonal depression is worse this year.  I started feeling flat and unhappy sometime around Halloween, a holiday that was started to point out the return of darkness, the time when the spirits of the underworld again manifest here in our vale of tears.  Recent news events have not helped.

For weeks I could not write, and painful memories and feelings arose.  I read worthless trash, and was even drawn to watching mainstream television programs (I mostly resisted).  I was crabby, restless, and had trouble sleeping.  In times past when the melancholy struck, I would turn to drink, but I know it is only a temporary bit of oblivion that makes the everyday reality even more painful.

I got my meds changed, and the depression has lifted enough to allow me to write and get out of the house for a movie (Into the Woods).  I feel a bit better, and the return of the sun is helping.

Abraham Lincoln said that the secret of happiness is happiness.  That is true but he remained a melancholy.  Maybe we have these times to remind us of the good times we so often take for granted.  Maybe depressions force us to go inward, to leave daily life out there and look into those corners of our being we try to ignore.

Carl Jung wrote about the need to integrate the shadow,  that part of the psyche that lurks behind the face we try to present to the world.  If that part of the personality is ignored, it will surface as beliefs and acts that seem to be the opposite of who we want to be.  The tragedies of  twentieth century point out how the shadow operates in society as well as in the individual.

Depression brings the shadow out, especially at 3:00 AM.  When it happens to me, I get to look at the events in my life I regret.  I have to acknowledge that I have hurt people, been a bully, lied, shirked responsibility, had rage episodes, cheated, stolen, and overslept.  If one tries to bury the dark side, it will surface in a more virulent form.

Learning to accept my shadow allows me to see when it wants to come out, and I am better able to deal with it.  Carol, my wife, calls it the other Bill.  Now my shadow mostly surfaces as irritability.  I usually am able to recognize it and deal with it before I make a big ass out of myself.  Depression makes me more irritable.

Today I am sitting in the doctors office while Carol has a procedure.  With a few days of the medication change and some sunshine, the depression has eased somewhat, even with less sleep than normal.  I think things are improving, even with the bad coffee here.

Freezing on Deadman’s Hill

Deadman's Hill Lookout Tower

Deadman’s Hill Lookout Tower

I did a ramble to Deadman’s Hill and some other places. I did survive, but it was not easy.

Deadman’s Hill is west of Redfeather Lakes on a road that ends on the Laramie River road.  This is one of the more remote mountain areas east of the Continental Divide in Colorado.  Redfeather is a resort community northwest of Fort Collins and north of Rustic, in Poudre Canyon.  There are lakes, a store and post office, a restaurant, and many cabins.  There is a year-round population of about 250 people.  It is a bit funky, and nothing like the ski resorts with their upscale condos.

I went to Colorado State in Ft. Collins, lived there for several years, and never got to the area.  I have had Deadman’s Hill on my list, and tried to go over the road last spring.  Alas, the road is closed from December to June.  I was too early, but not too early to see a bear feeding in a meadow just before the closed gate.

I went back last week, the road was open and well graded.  It climbs through a Lodgepole Pine forest to a spur leading up to a fire lookout tower that has a view of most everything from Rocky Mountain National Park to Wyoming and from the plains to the Rawah Wilderness in the Medicine Bow mountains.

From the lookout tower I went down the hill a ways to a long meadow looking right at the Rawahs.  A little creek ran through the meadow and a pair of bull moose would drift out of the timber, feed for a while, and move back into the trees.

Meadow With the Rawah Mountains

Meadow With the Rawah Mountains

I got the tent up just in time for the first rainstorm, and had another storm a couple of hours later.  A pleasant and lovely late afternoon, with the solitude I always seek in the back country.

If it is not raining steadily, I set up my cot outside, with the sleeping bag inside a canvas bedroll along with a wool blanket.  I slept for a short while, got up to pee, got cold and stayed that way for the rest of the night.  I reached outside the bedroll and felt a layer of ice.  It seemed like my feet were as cold as those snowfields on the flanks of the Rawahs, and the rest of me had just come out of the water draining the snowfields.

I tried a few things that helped my body a little, but my feet got colder every time I left the sleeping bag.  Oh, and the sleeping bag zipper jammed.  No sleep, much misery.  At about 4:30 AM I climbed into my pickup and ran the heater to warm up.  Everything in the cab of that truck is lumpy or pokes you if you are trying to sleep.

At 5:30 I threw everything into the bed of the truck and went down the hill to the Laramie River road.  From there I went north to Woods Landing Wyoming, hoping to find coffee and food.  Closed.  On to Mountain Home, Wyoming, nothing there.  I went west to the road from North Park Colorado into Wyoming and south to Walden.

I found coffee, heat, food, and a semblance of civilization.  There were four old guys, retired ranchers from the look of them, sunning themselves on the patio in the 45 degree morning.  I saw some bicycles parked nearby and asked them if the bikes were theirs.  One shook his head, taking me literally at first.  None of them had been on a bicycle in at least 60 years.  You don’t ride bicycles if your headgear is a cowboy hat and your shirts have snaps, not buttons.

The bicycles belonged to some city folk having breakfast and fixing a flat tire.  They were in their 60’s.  Hardy people there, in Jackson County.

From Walden I went back north along the North Platte River into Wyoming.  The Platte and Laramie River valleys are what I think of as mountain ranch country.  Irrigated hayfields and pastures flanked by sagebrush hills rising into the timber.  Everyone waves at you.

Snowy Range

Snowy Range

I then went east over the Medicine Bow Mountains, capped by the Snowy Range.  This is one of my favorite drives.  The mountains are snowy white, jagged, and have lovely lakes at their base.  The white rock is 4 billion year old quartzite, older than anything in Colorado.  Just off the highway on the way to a campground are some stromatolites, or petrified algae, some of the oldest evidence of life on earth.Deadmans Hill 2014 012

I had lunch in Laramie and decided to return to Redfeather and get a cabin for some sleep.  There were no cabins available, so I went to Poudre Canyon, where a cabin was too expensive.  By that time I was so tired I just went home.  A tired, cold trip in some fine country.