Category Archives: Lovingkindness

How We’re Wired

Nature vs Nurture

Nature versus nurture is one of the seemingly perpetual debates.  The reason for all the controversy is because both positions are true.  I think most of our behavior is from how we were raised and educated.  There are also fundamental characteristics of our species stemming from the way we evolved.  Primitive humans had two basic needs for survival.  They could not function and have children without a community providing mutual support.  They also needed fear and aggression to  protect the group from attacks from animals and rival tribes.

So here we are, wired to connect with others and nurture children and relationships. We are also programmed for flight or fight responses when under threat.  It isn’t Satan making all this trouble, it’s us.  A single person out there on the veldt won’t last long among the lions and mammoths.  If he joins up with others, they can build protection from predators and provide shelter.  All they then need are food sources and something to clothe themselves with.

If the people are out of their enclosure and encounter a Sabre-Toothed Tiger or a rival from a neighboring tribe they have two responses.  They can stand their ground and fight the enemy or flee.  Encountering the threat triggers several internal responses.  The body goes on high alert, releasing adrenaline, tensing muscles, increasing respiration, and so on.  We are then better equipped to fight off the threat or run.

We run home, where we can get support from family members and members of our tribe.  We are then better equipped to fight.  The community provides defense.  The members have gathered together to raise babies, find mates, play poker, dance, kick balls, and get sick and die together.  If we are in Michigan, we are trained to dislike Ohio State.

The need for coming together to meet threats is institutionalized into sport.   We also get together to run and jump training to flee if necessary.  The two mechanisms are working in concert for pleasure.  Michiganders don’t seek to kill Ohioans.  Ethiopians often try to kill Eritreans.

Warfare between groups is most often for territory, power, or simple greed.  Groups ally themselves with other groups to meet a threat or defuse threats.  All the strife and conflict occurs within and between groups.  It has been going on as long as we have been a species.

There is a remedy using our innate need for community.  We nurture and support those in our community then expand the support and nurturing to all.  I can’t directly support the one billion Chinese but I can pray for them.  The act of praying opens my heart, building empathy and lovingkindness for the billions out there.  The others praying together create a web of connection, acting across oceans and nations to bring us all together.

There are also forces attempting to tear us apart, stemming from the we-they response.  The twentieth century is an example of the we-they response going wildly out of control and killing millions of people.

I think the  natural world wide web of human interconnection, lovingkindness, and empathy is keeping the strife from destroying us all.  My goal is to build as much lovingkindness within my own community.  I also believe praying for all beings to be safe, happy, and free works to strengthen the web of connection.  Keep it up, folks, our civilization depends on us.

Lovingkindness

We seem to be living in a world seething with hate.  It is always there, but currently it is more visible.  Our president wants adulation and to punish those who oppose him.  Everyone has a part of themselves who wants to do harm, usually because harm was done to them.  There is another way.

We are born with a need to be loved, to be fed, cuddled, protected, and allowed to grow.  A baby receiving those things responds with smiles, giggles, and joy.  The caregiver experiences joy as well.  The response to abuse is to withdraw and develop defenses for survival.  The capacity for love and joy can be lost.  We are all wounded to some degree and the result is conflict.

The response to love and nurturing is a desire to love and nurture in response.  We are born that way.  The word for it is lovingkindness.  All the anger and resentment is learned, a response to abuse.

My task is to increase lovingkindness and equanimity and allow the negativity to wither.  My techniques are Insight Meditation and Metta.  Metta is the practice of holding all living beings in prayer or lovingkindness.  “May all sentient beings be happy, may they be safe, may they be free.”  “May Mr. Trump be safe, may he be happy, may he be free and practice lovingkindness in his life.”   “May the driver who just gave me the finger be happy, safe, and free.”  I actually do this.  Not always, I still harbor old wounds, but my Metta practice is growing.

I feel better, am less angry, and don’t honk or give the other driver the finger nearly as much.  Buddha came up with this 2500 years ago, even though he didn’t drive, and those who practice lovingkindness are a powerful force for good which often goes unrecognized.  All the faith traditions encourage this in some way.  Yes, there are happy and loving people out there.

So, what about all those with anger and hate?  It’s our task to show them lovingkindness, as simple as smiling and allowing them to make that left turn.  We also deal directly with the negativity by listening and showing respect, gently offering a more caring viewpoint.  We help those in need, always with dignity and respect.  When angry, we breathe in, breathe out, pause, rinse and repeat.

I guess I am something of a Buddhist, but Jesus is still in my life, and always will.  A bit about Buddhism.  It has all the trappings of an Eastern faith tradition.  Saffron robes, chants, meditation, stupas and gilded  Buddhas, with one big difference.  Buddhism is nontheistic.  No worshipping some Big Guy.  The sole purpose is to end suffering.  Most often greed, or desire, is the root of suffering.  We can be in terrible pain but suffering is optional.

We decide we need something.  We make that up.  All we need is food, clothing, and shelter.  All the rest comes from craving, wanting to fill a hole that can’t be filled that way.  We might feel a bit better, but the desire always returned.    What to do? Let go. Meditate.  Practice lovingkindness.  Do lots of Metta.  Maybe I will get better at all that.

Unexpected Happiness

Most people assume happiness comes from material things, especially in our consumer culture.  Not so, folks.  Happiness comes not from craving but from compassion and loving kindness.  I am an expert on craving.  Currently, my main craving is for ice cream.  I think about ice cream, I long for it.  I score!  I eat ice cream and have a fleeting feel good.  Then it starts all over.  I am suffering desiring the temporary fix that creamy, sweet, fatty stuff provides.

There are two main results.  I feel that discontent of no ice cream, eat ice cream, feel contented for an hour or so, than resume craving.  I am also getting fat.

There is another way.  Do good and feel good.  The good feeling doesn’t go away.  We are wired to help one another.  It comes from feeling compassion for someone who is suffering.  We then act out of loving kindness. The person suffering feels better and so do we.  They are feelings that don’t go away.

Many philosophers and economists say we operate on the pleasure principle.  Most of them assume pleasure results from satisfying craving.   The marketers exploit the craving and tell us happiness comes from the right beer, or car, or toothpaste.  In fact, they are exploiting suffering.

For the first part of my life I operated on that false pleasure principle.  I wanted stuff, temporary sensual gratification, alcohol, and ice cream.  I was something of a melancholy, trying to fill a void in my soul.  I then met the love of my life.  I was happy with her and looked forward to sharing satisfying cravings with her.  Food, stuff (lots of stuff), the mountains, the desert, canoeing, road trips, all those fleeting pleasures.

It turned out the love of my life is sick.  She has lupus, and can’t do many of the things I thought were the main goals of my life.  We can’t do road trips, she can’t be in the sun very long, she doesn’t have much energy, and she hurts.  All those fantasies exploded.

One of the benefits for me in meeting the love of my life is my commitment to her.   For better or for worse.  I cook.  I clean.  I do the heavy work of gardening, including maintaining that blasted sprinkling system.  I do Jin Shin Jyutsu(Japanese acupressure) three times a week I do shopping.  I lift, carry, move, assemble, and help in any way I can.  I scratch her back, we snuggle, we talk, laugh, and get cranky with one another.

Her family members have more trouble than they deserve.  I drove to Minneapolis to help her brother when his leg was broken by an errant automobile.  He has no support system there, so I went and helped out.  Her parents got old and infirm.  We visited Florida and North Carolina to help out.  We had lots of trips to Florida.  Her dad moved here when he could no longer handle the tasks of daily living.  Her mother moved to Boise to be with Carol’s sister and we visited there.  I also act as support for Carol’s two children, especially her son.

Blue Earth

All that seems like drudgery, inconvenience, and suffering.  Not so.  It is fulfilling.  I like to help, even if it means hundreds of miles of corn and soybeans on the way to Minneapolis.  Have you ever seen the blue earth clay west of Mankato (means blue earth) or the Nebraska sand hills?  Have you gotten lost on foot in downtown Minneapolis?  If not, you have really missed out.  The whole thing feels good.  Well, there is some inconvenience as well, but it is mostly happiness.   May you find happiness in helping others.