May | 2016 | Bill's Views on Most Everything

Monthly Archives: May 2016

Knees and Such

Posted on May 26, 2016 by Bill Leave a comment

Arthritis

Old age happens if things go as planned. Inside, I feel like the Bill I always have, but the case is starting to wear out. I get together with my buddy Dan, and we always devote some time to catching up with our health care issues. I went to the Orthopod this week, got a cortisone shot in my left knee (the other knee is Titanium). Didn’t do much good.

Every time Dan plays pickleball (I know, just look it up.), he limps. He has a bad ticker, I have a bad brain. I spend time at the VA audiology clinic dealing with hearing aids. I saw the ENT specialist there about my balance problem that may be from damage to the vestibular nerve that was damaged from the loud noises responsible for my hearing loss.

Vestibulocochlear Nerve Anatomy

I itch. For most of my life I was allergy free. No more. There is always something setting my eczema off along with the stuffy nose. I have almost no sense of smell left. Springtime is wonderful except for the pollen. Fall is wonderful except for the pollen.

I ache. The knee, my wrist, both shoulders, and my back. I think all this is a sign of old age. Most of the time all these symptoms don’t interfere with my life. I just soldier along not letting all the stuff get to me. After all, it is just pain and will change tomorrow. I can usually let it all go. Yesterday, however, my knee hurt when it was straight. It also hurt when it was bent. Today it just barely hurts.

The trick for me is to not let the pain go to suffering. After all, we can’t do much about the pain, but suffering about it is a choice. All this stuff is a reminder about death. It’s clear by no that I am in the last third of my life, sitting in a coffee shop full of people in the first third of their lives.

The good thing about getting older is that I know a lot of stuff. I like thinking and writing about all that stuff. For example, I am about to make you yawn as you read about the Golden Fault. There is something for you to look forward to. In the meantime, health issues.

Carol has a chronic illness that limits her life, but the last year has been a bad one. Late last spring she had cataract surgery that went bad. The little sac the lens lives in tore, so the new lens had to go between her iris and cornea. She got a little hole poked in her iris to let fluid move around. The hole is too big, letting in too much light where it doesn’t belong, leading to lots of vision problems.

Cataract Surgery

She also had five stitches in her cornea, which meant pain for weeks. Now, with a new Ophthalmologist, she is wearing a tinted contact lens to confirm the hole in her iris is too large. The lens works, but she is not a contact lens candidate. More discomfort. The next step is a minor surgical! procedure to make the hole smaller.

In the middle of all this, with all the multiple visits to eye doctors, she had hemorrhoid surgery. It was her last resort and believe me, it should be a last resort. Pain, lots of it, and a major restriction on activity. What a year.

But, through it all, life is good. We have fun, cooking, snuggling, reading aloud, gardening, fixing the garage where I drove into it (I am always on her case about her driving.). And, we are watching NCIS from the first season on. There is something about murder mysteries that pulls us, and the character development is as good as it was in Seinfeld. We still call Mark Harmon Dickie, from a role he had as a detective years ago. The name seems to fit him.

Aging, health issues, losing old friends, all this comes when you are in your seventies, but life goes,on, and we are wise and skilled at enjoying life. In addition, we just found out that Carol’s sister, diagnosed with stage four cancer, is now cancer free after an ordeal with treatment. She had multiple tumors, and they are gone.

Posted in Current Activities, Health Issues, My Story, Pain, Stories

My Meditation Practice

Posted on May 21, 2016 by Bill Leave a comment

The Buddha

As I mentioned in the last post, for years I was unable to meditate. I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and as soon as my eyes closed my brain would go into high gear. The idea of meditation is to let those thoughts go so you can be aware in the moment. For ADD’s, the moment is often chaos, with thoughts leaping from subject to another, or hyper focus, with the thoughts totally engaged on one topic or task.

After a diagnosis and treatment, I can meditate. Now meditation is not spending all one’s time in the moment. At first and often those thoughts arise and with my addictions, they can be compelling. So, sit, watch my breath, the thoughts arise, I let them go, and they arise again. It can be excruciating, dealing with all that meaningless thought. I find a prayer helps me instead of just focusing on the breath.

Paradoxically, my prayer is Christian. At its core, Buddhism is essentially atheistic and in my view a psychology, not a religion, being 2500 years old from a culture soaked in religion, it adopted all the trappings. I grew up nominally Christian and became a toung-talking holy roller Christian in my forties. I don’t do that so much any more, but Jesus is in my life to stay.

I use the Jesus Prayer, an ancient Eastern Orthodox prayer dating back to the desert fathers. “Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” The most famous book about the prayer, “The Way of a Pilgrim“, suggests starting with 3000 repetitions per day. I recite the prayer a lot, but never 3000 times. I sit, start praying, and time the words with my breath. When those thoughts rise, as they always will, I return to the prayer. Those times of being in the moment come, and I drop into watching my breath. Thoughts arise and I gently return to the prayer.

I find the moments of stillness are slowly growing. I also find the poisonous thoughts are diminishing. When poisonous thoughts about pretty girls arise, I pray for them. “May she be happy, may she be free, may she be safe”. Then back to the Jesus Prayer until more thoughts arise.

The thoughts aren’t just about pretty girls, I find myself planning, plotting, reviewing past mistakes, feeling guilt or shame; being angry, sad, sick, hurting, happy, horny, old, tired, loving, lonely, excited, the entire range of feeling and thought. All that stuff comes from my past or is about the future. Thus, they are all meaningless. The past is gone, and the future is unknown.

All there really is is the moment. My brain tends to disagree. I experience all those thoughts and feelings as real because they are wired neural connections. The task of meditation is to rewrite those connections so I can spend more time in the moment.

Now, lots of those connections are important. I need food, shelter, my long baths, some rags on my back, all the stuff of daily living. I don’t need Donald Trump or the Kardashians. I mention those because I was in the doctor’s office yesterday reading those stupid magazines. Why didn’t I have my book or just pray?

I find myself wanting to meditate more. The toxic thinking is diminishing, although lots of people continue to be prayed for. I have purged the computers, my library, don’t watch the wrong television or movies, and am able to spend more time in the moment (still not much time, alas).

Next is some retreats. Retreats last from one day up. I have done them in a Christian context and found them useful. I am looking at attending a four day retreat in the mountains. There are lots of retreats available, mostly led by Dharma teachers who are therapists or in other helping professions. Retreats allow intensive meditation with little interruption from the outside world. I need that.

Posted in Buddhism, Family History, Health Issues, Insight Meditation, Jesus Prayer, Meditation, Mental Health, My Story, Pain, Stories

Insight Meditation

Posted on May 21, 2016 by Bill Leave a comment

Meditation

I recently wrote about my struggle with addictions. Yes, multiple addictions. It is just now coming out that the root cause of addiction is abuse at some time in the addict’s life. It is true for me. I turned to addictive behavior to get a feel good in a life that incorporated pain or suffering stemming from the abuse.

The mental pain or suffering arises, and I seek to eliminate or blunt the pain with the feel good. It can be alcohol, food, exercise, sex, tobacco, work, drugs, shopping, gambling, music, or other obsessive behaviors. I tried most of them, and they worked-briefly. The pain returns. Another round starts, but it takes a bit more to drive the pain away as the guilt and shame grow. The wheel turns.

The result? I have had a lifetime of suffering with futile attempts to escape. The addictions have not been all-consuming. I have a good marriage, a comfortable retirement, many interests to keep me occupied and engaged, and a family I am close with. I have had years of therapy that helped in some areas, but the addictions remained. The addictions have consumed a tremendous amount of time and energy. All this stems from events in my childhood continuing to haunt me.

Well, that was then, and it is now. So, why addictive behavior when the abuse happened so long ago? We store the feelings from abuse in our minds. Those feelings and sensations stay with us and arise later as suffering. They exist as neural connections in our brains. Those connections and stored memories and feelings are not permanent or hard wired. The brain is plastic and those old demons can be dealt with, the connections altered or eliminated.

There are a number of techniques, including 12 step programs, cognitive therapy, psychoanalysis, immersion in a religious organization, and other therapies. Some work, some don’t or are just mental band-aids.

Recent neuroscience research indicates that insight meditation is an effective means of altering or eliminating those old neural pathways. In many cases, ten or fifteen minutes per day seem to be effective. In deeply entrenched addictions, fifteen minutes is not enough. I try to do a forty minute meditation along with the morning fifteen minute session every day. I also attend two formal insight meditation meetings per week.

Insight meditation is fairly simple. Find a comfortable position where you are not likely to fall asleep. Observe your breath. It may be your nostrils or your abdomen or chest rising and falling. Just focus on the breath. Thoughts will arise. Just note and name them. Hungry, hungry. You will find the thought changes or fades, leaving you a moment without thoughts arising. When they do, note them name them, and observe them changing.

You will find yourself drifting away, planning, worrying, most anything. When you notice this, gently return to the breath. I find it useful to say a short prayer several times until I am able to return to the breath. At times, it seems like all I am doing is praying, with no stillness. Other times I can return to the breath right away.

The process is frustrating at first, because it seems like there is almost no time just watching the breath. No big. Deal, just keep it up. You will find those thoughts arising with less frequency and intensity. You are reprogramming your brain.

Insight meditation is used in schools, some workplaces, in prisons, and in psychotherapy. It sometime seems it is the next big thing. Well, no. It is a Buddhist practice in use for twenty five hundred years. It is not really a religious practice. It is a practice used to get rid of all the mental clutter so one can lead a life free of the suffering all that clutter causes.

Next time I will illustrate the process with my own experience. Stay tuned.

Posted in Alcohol, Buddhism, Insight Meditation, Jesus Prayer, Meditation, Mental Health, My Story, Pain, Stories

Guns

Posted on May 17, 2016 by Bill Leave a comment

I am from Western Colorado-outdoor sportsman central. Hunting big game, small game, ducks and geese, most any things that moves was a way of life. I grew up around guns as my father hunted and fished. I hunted as well, but fishing never appealed to me-too boring.

I was always fascinated by guns. I liked the mechanical precision, the looks, the way they felt in my hands. There was, of course, another set of reasons for my fascination.

Guns are for killing. When hunting, I was repelled and attracted to the act of killing. I would walk along hunting rabbits thinking “Why am I here, I don’t like the killing?”. As soon as a rabbit jumped, the gun came up and I was shooting. More than once I have sold all my guns, swearing off them, only to find myself in a gun shop.

In Army basic training I became welded to the famous old M1 Garand rifle. I still like the damn things, although I haven’t bought one as a civilian. In Germany I got an M14, much like the M1, but holding 20 rounds instead of eight.

.50 Caliber Machine Gun

When I got promoted I was given the responsibility for a .50 caliber Browning machine gun. Completely assembled it weighs about 120 pounds and fires a cartridge about six inches long, with a bullet half an inch in diameter. We went to Wildflecken, Germany, the traditional invasion route for eastern invaders, to shoot the thing across a canyon. It sure was fun. It sure did give me a significant hearing loss.

The real reason for my fascination with guns, however, is fear. I have been afraid for my safety for as long as I can remember. The cause? Probably some abuse I experienced at a young age. I remember making a tent out of a card table and blankets in the living room when I was home alone. I would get under there with my .22 rifle and dream about driving the invaders away.

The gun magazines used to be mostly about hunting arms, now they are filled with articles about protecting your home from hostile invaders. That is right down my alley, even though I live in a safe neighborhood and have never experienced any need for protecting myself with a gun for 73 years. This is a big cognitive disconnect in my life. I think the strategy is to not read that stuff.

To deal with my fear I am now using a mindful meditation technique. I meditate watching my breath. When any fear-related thoughts arise, I notice them, name them “fear, fear”, and watch them fade. I also have the fear thoughts arise at other times, as when driving. I say a short prayer, sometimes several times, until the fear thought fades. I do this many times during the day. It works. The thoughts leave, and they are not recurring with the same frequency. I feel better, and have more energy for useful things. I am not doing this to seek enlightenment, I am doing it to rid myself of wasteful thinking so I can focus on the good.

Posted in 1963 Volkswagen, Guns, Insight Meditation, Stories, Western Colorado

Addiction

Posted on May 6, 2016 by Bill One comment

I have an addictive personality. My first addiction was to chocolate. In grade school, Teddy and I found a box of Hershey chocolate bars lying in the street. Not realizing this was a true case of finders keepers, we hid in some bushes and ate the whole thing. No, I didn’t get sick.

I remember sitting in a twelve step meeting when one of the guys said he had to have his “feel good”. He nailed it for me as well. I am not sure I have more unrest and pain than others, but I have always sought the “feel good”.

For the most part I can overcome the addictions. I quit a three pack a day cigarette habit after five years. I have quit drinking several times and started again, convincing myself I can control it. Later I realize I have gradually ramped up into excessive drinking and quit. I have probably done this seven or eight times, starting in high school. This time I have been sober for a year. I’m pretty sure I am done with booze forever.

I have smoked a haystack of pot. At one point In the late 1970’s I was buying a quarter pound at a time. I would go to work, go out on my rounds and light up. Parties were lots of booze and weed for a lot of years. One day at work I realized I couldn’t remember things I had done the day before. I have had about two tokes since.

Food is another matter. I am something of a binge eater. My main weakness is ice cream, chocolate, of course. My pattern is much the same as with alcohol. I will eat too much, scare myself, lose some weight, than ramp up again. I weigh about 215 pounds now. At one point I was up to 260. The problem is that I can’t give up eating altogether. So, I struggle. And then there is caffeine. AA meetings always have coffee.

I think you can see the pattern. I probably won’t kill myself with my addictions, but they have consumed vast amounts of time and energy I could have used productively. The addictions are accompanied by a lot of obsessing and compulsive behavior. I have repetitive thoughts and rituals around the behaviors, from rolling the joint, lighting a cigarette at every change, such as standing up, or sneaking ice cream out of the downstairs freezer.

I am currently engaged in the spiritual practice of letting go. This means letting go of everything keeping me from staying in touch with my true self. This is not an easy process, and I am sure I will be engaged in it for the rest of my life. “Trapped on the wheel of desire.” The problem with desire is that it cannot be satisfied. The new BMW, the Bud Lite, the new clothing style, cool Adidas sneakers, whatever. The proper number of bicycles to own? N+1; N being the number of bicycles you currently have.

Addictions are just the most pathological of this phenomenon. Our consumer society is driven by desire. Chasing money, chasing stuff, chasing the latest hit, it all pulls us away from our true selves. I want to get in touch with my true self, which means letting go.

Posted in Addiction, Alcohol, cigarettes, Health Issues, Jesus Prayer, Mental Health, My Story, Pain, Stories